I finished my meal and stepped outside the restaurant feeling relieved. It was quite jam-packed that it took me more than five minutes just to find a seat. Instead of going back to my place though and finish some work, I found my feet leading me to the nearest bus parked visibly across me. I wasn’t exactly thinking when I went inside the bus and sat quietly on one corner like I’ve always belonged there. I wasn’t really thinking when I put my headphones on and allowed Bon Iver’s Skinny Love to swallow me whole.

“Come on skinny love just last the year…”

Heck, the bus conductor had to explain patiently in English when I couldn’t comprehend why he’s giving me some change. I’m almost six months in Vietnam yet I only rode the city bus less than five times.

The bus finally moved — and with it, my thoughts. Where is this even going? Oh, does it even matter? You’re going to come back anyway. There’s a place to come back to now.. Plus, isn’t it a nice day for a city tour. There’s a place to come back to now. Hey, look at that! Aren’t their roads way better than your country. There’s a place to come back to now. Didn’t you know that this bus actually passes by the Lotte Center…

There’s a place to come back to now.

I wiped my cheek. Then, the other one. I sighed. What are you so scared of anyway? That there’s too much living to do. That I’m doing life wrong. That I’m alone right now and I’ll be more alone five to ten years from now. That no amount of leaving can prevent me from arriving. That life never pauses to wait for people to catch their breath. That maybe the problem has always been in me. That I’m a failure on things that matter. That I’m so small. That the world is too big. That everything makes sense to everyone except me. That I’ll have lesser courage to live at all as years go by. That I’m as uninteresting as I feel. That no matter what I do and where I go, I’ll keep ending up on the same place.

“Come on skinny love what happened here…”

I wiped both cheeks. So the cultural center is somewhere here, after all. I wiped both cheeks. Isn’t this the place where the school held their biggest event for the school year? I wiped both cheeks. That cafe seems really cozy. You have got to visit it sometime! I wiped both cheeks. That kid looks really happy. Don’t you just miss feeling happy and excited on school holidays? I wiped both cheeks. You really should take up motorbike driving seriously. I wiped both cheeks. Hey, weren’t you looking for street artists? There’s like a whole flock of them near the lake! I wiped both cheeks…

After a long while, the bus stopped exactly where I left like it’s so used to delivering people back to places they’re trying to escape. The music was long over. The doors slowly opened. I looked around and found nothing but empty seats. I sighed.

It’s okay. One more ride wouldn’t hurt.

How do you handle loneliness in a foreign city? Did you find yourself doing impulsive things? Share your experiences in the comment section below!

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